6 times in life when being the bigger person is overrated (and what to do instead)

From the Personal Branding Blog

We’ve all heard the phrase “be the bigger person”. It’s usually thrown our way when we’re in the middle of conflict, a difficult situation, or facing a challenging decision. It’s advice that promotes selflessness, maturity, and taking the high road.

But let’s be honest, isn’t being the bigger person overrated at times? There’s a fine line between being mature and self-sacrificing your own needs and well-being.

In this article, I’ll introduce you to six instances when being the bigger person isn’t always the best option for your personal growth or authenticity. And most importantly, I’ll suggest what you might want to do instead.

Let’s challenge this well-intentioned advice and discover how you can respond in ways that better align with your true self. Because sometimes, it’s not about being the bigger person, but being the right person for you.

1) When compromise becomes self-compromise

We’ve all been there. Mid argument, mid disagreement, or in the midst of a tense situation. The advice rings in our ears, ‘be the bigger person’, ‘let it go’, ‘compromise’.

But what happens when this compromise starts eating into your values, your self-esteem, and your happiness?

There’s a danger when compromise transforms into self-compromise. It’s when you start to bend and twist your needs and wants to such an extent that they become unrecognizable, just to maintain peace or avoid conflict.

Being the bigger person, in this context, can mean suppressing your beliefs and desires which eventually leads to resentment. Is that really being big or is it being inauthentic?

Instead, consider voicing your concerns, expressing your feelings and standing up for what you believe in. It might start a difficult conversation, but it could also lead to a more authentic resolution that respects both parties involved.

It’s okay to say no when the compromise starts to infringe on your personal boundaries and self-worth. Because being true to yourself is never overrated.

2) When being kind becomes a one-way street

I’ll never forget the time I was stuck in a friendship that was draining me emotionally. I was always the one to reach out, to lend an ear, to offer comfort. I was constantly putting my needs aside to meet my friend’s demands.

I thought I was being the bigger person by constantly giving and not expecting much in return.

However, over time, this one-sided relationship started to take a toll on me. I realized I was compromising my own emotional well-being for the sake of being kind and understanding.

In hindsight, being the bigger person in this scenario meant ignoring my own needs and feelings, which is not healthy or sustainable.

What I should’ve done instead was express how I felt. Communication is key in any relationship – be it personal or professional. If you find that your kindness is only going in one direction, it’s important to address it.

Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your emotional health and establish boundaries. You’re not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Being the bigger person doesn’t mean you have to be the only person giving.

3) When forgiveness feels forced

Forgiveness is powerful and healing. It’s often seen as the hallmark of being the bigger person. But did you know that there’s a psychological term called “forgiveness fatigue“?

This phenomenon occurs when individuals feel pressured to forgive, before they’re truly ready. It can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and even emotional exhaustion.

Sometimes, being the bigger person is equated with immediate forgiveness. But real forgiveness takes time and can’t be forced just for the sake of appearing mature or gracious.

Allow yourself instead to experience your emotions fully and give yourself the time you need to truly heal. Genuine forgiveness will come when you’re ready, not when others expect it.

Your journey towards healing and forgiveness is personal and shouldn’t be rushed or dictated by societal pressure. Being the bigger person means respecting your emotional process, not bypassing it.

4) When silence is mistaken for acceptance

There’s a common misconception that being the bigger person means staying silent in the face of injustice or unfair treatment. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Staying silent, especially when you’re uncomfortable or disagree with what’s happening, can be mistaken for acceptance. It can send the wrong message and even allow for such behavior to continue unchecked.

Being the bigger person doesn’t mean swallowing your voice or ignoring your discomfort. It’s not about passivity in the face of wrong-doing.

Instead, consider speaking up and asserting your stance. It’s important to communicate your feelings and thoughts honestly and respectfully.

Your voice matters. Being the bigger person means using it wisely and effectively, not suppressing it.

5) When letting go leads to loss of self

I recall a time when I found myself constantly letting go of my interests, my preferences, and even some parts of my identity just to maintain harmony in a relationship. I thought I was being the bigger person by accommodating and adjusting.

Over time, these little sacrifices added up and I began to feel like I was losing myself. I was so busy making room for someone else’s needs that I forgot about my own.

Being the bigger person doesn’t mean losing sight of who you are or what you want. It’s not about constantly compromising your happiness or identity for others.

Strike a balance between accommodating others and preserving your own essence. It’s essential to stay true to yourself while navigating relationships.

Being the bigger person means acknowledging your needs as much as you acknowledge those of others.

6) When resilience becomes endurance

Resilience is often confused with endless endurance. Being the bigger person is sometimes equated with the ability to endure hardships, toxic behavior, or unfair treatment without complaint.

However, this isn’t resilience. It’s self-destruction. Endlessly enduring negative circumstances without taking any action for change can lead to emotional burnout and even physical health issues.

Being the bigger person doesn’t mean silently enduring everything that comes your way. It’s not about accepting negativity or toxicity as a norm.

Consider taking active steps to change the circumstances that are causing you harm. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking help, or even walking away from situations or relationships that are harmful.

Remember, your wellbeing is paramount. Being the bigger person means taking care of yourself first and foremost.

The essence: It’s about authenticity

The idea of being the bigger person is rooted in nobility, maturity, and grace. Yet, it’s essential to remember that these virtues don’t imply self-neglect, silence in the face of unfairness, or forced forgiveness.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said:

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

Authenticity plays a crucial role here. It’s about owning your emotions, your decisions, and ultimately, your life. It’s about striking a balance between being considerate to others and honoring your own needs and values.

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re expected to be the bigger person, take a moment to reflect. Are you genuinely acting out of kindness and maturity? Or are you compromising your well-being?

In the pursuit of authenticity and self-growth, remember that sometimes it’s not about being the bigger person but being true to yourself. And there’s nothing overrated about that.

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