9 signs your friend is secretly competing with you, according to psychology

From the Personal Branding Blog

We all have those moments where a friend’s behavior makes us pause and ask, ‘Is this what support is supposed to feel like?’

I remember when I shared my excitement about finally booking my dream vacation, only for a friend to say, “Oh, I’ve already done that—twice actually.”

It wasn’t outright mean, but it made me wonder: why couldn’t they just be happy for me?

Little moments like this can make you question if there’s more competition than camaraderie in the mix.

Friendships, just like any relationship, have layers. Some are built on pure love and support, while others come with a side of unspoken rivalry.

And that’s okay to admit, as long as we’re willing to see it for what it is.

Let’s explore 9 signs that might reveal a hidden competitive streak in your friendships—because knowing is always better than second-guessing.

1) Constant comparisons

Ever noticed your friend constantly comparing their life with yours? It could be as trivial as who has the latest smartphone or as significant as who’s achieving more at work.

This is a classic sign of hidden competition. It’s an attempt to measure up and see if they’re ahead or lagging behind.

When a friend is always comparing, it may mean they view you as a benchmark for their own success. While it might seem harmless, it can lead to unnecessary tension in your friendship.

True friends should celebrate each other’s achievements, not use them as a yardstick for their own.

When your buddy starts comparing, it might be time to have a chat about what’s really going on.

2) They rain on your parade

We all have moments of joy and success, and sharing them with friends is part of the fun.

But if you have a friend who always finds a way to downplay your achievements or subtly tarnish your happy moments, it might be a sign of competition.

Take this personal experience of mine, for example.

I once got a promotion at work – a moment I was extremely proud of.

But when I shared the news with my friend, instead of congratulating me, they instantly brought up how their cousin had also recently been promoted, but to an even higher position.

It felt like they couldn’t let me have my moment of glory without trying to overshadow it with someone else’s achievement.

That’s when I realised there could be a layer of competition lurking beneath the surface of our friendship.

It’s important to recognize such instances as potential signs of hidden rivalry. A true friend should be able to celebrate your achievements without feeling the need to one-up you.

3) They mimic your actions

Did you know that copying is a subconscious form of rivalry?

It’s true. Imitating someone else’s actions, behaviour or even style can be a sign of competition.

It’s a subtle way of trying to match or even outdo the person being copied.

Social comparison theory also plays a role here, as it suggests people evaluate their worth by comparing themselves to others.

When a friend mimics you, it might reflect upward social comparison—an attempt to emulate qualities they admire or compete with traits they envy.

If you notice your friend always seems to follow in your footsteps—whether it’s adopting your catchphrases, buying the same clothes as you, or even deciding to take up the same hobby—it could be more than just admiration.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in some cases, it can also be an indicator of covert competition.

4) They’re quick to highlight your mistakes

Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes.

But if you have a friend who seems to take a little too much pleasure in pointing out your errors, it could be a sign they’re competing with you.

This behavior might stem from their desire to appear superior or more competent. By highlighting your mistakes, they might feel they’re showcasing their own prowess or judgement.

In some cases, this tendency may reflect what psychologists call a “scarce resources model.” People with this mindset view relationships as a zero-sum game—if you succeed, they feel there’s less left for them.

This often stems from deep-seated insecurities, sometimes rooted in critical or inattentive parenting.

It’s important to differentiate between constructive criticism and unnecessary fault-finding.

A true friend will help you learn from your mistakes, not use them as ammunition in a hidden rivalry.

5) They’re not genuinely happy for your successes

True friends share in each other’s joy and success.

They celebrate each other’s wins and accomplishments, no matter how big or small. But if you’ve noticed your friend can’t seem to muster genuine happiness for your victories, it could be a sign of secret competition.

Maybe their congratulations seem forced or hollow. Or perhaps they quickly change the subject when you share good news.

These subtle reactions could be their way of dealing with feelings of envy or rivalry.

Mutual support and celebration of each other’s achievements are what make a friendship strong. If that’s missing, it might be time to address the issue openly and honestly.

6) They never ask about your life

Friendship is a two-way street, built on mutual interest and concern for each other’s lives.

But when a friend never seems to ask about your life, it could be a sign that they’re more focused on outdoing you rather than truly understanding you.

You might notice they rarely inquire about your well-being, your work, or your personal life.

Instead, they might be more interested in talking about their own achievements or experiences.

This could be a sign of competition, a way for them to keep the spotlight on themselves.

7) They seem to enjoy your failures

There’s something disheartening about sharing a setback or failure with a friend, only to see a hint of enjoyment or satisfaction in their reaction.

I’ve experienced this, and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

I remember once sharing news of a job rejection with a friend, expecting support and comfort.

Instead, I was met with a smug smile and a dismissive “you’ll get the next one”. It was as if my failure had somehow made them feel better about themselves.

This lack of empathy could be a sign of hidden competition. If your friend seems to take pleasure in your failures, it might be because they feel it places them in a superior position.

8) They try to outdo your stories

We all love a bit of storytelling among friends.

But if you notice your friend consistently attempts to top your stories or experiences, it could be a sign of competition.

Perhaps you share a memorable holiday experience, only for them to counter with a tale of their even more extravagant vacation. Or you mention a small achievement at work, and they quickly bring up their own, bigger accomplishment.

This constant one-upmanship can be a subtle form of rivalry, an attempt to maintain an edge or sense of superiority in the friendship.

Good friends listen and appreciate each other’s stories and experiences without feeling the need to compete.

9) They’re rarely there for you in tough times

The true test of friendship often comes during tough times.

If you find that your friend is conspicuously absent or unhelpful during your moments of need, it could be a sign of underlying competition.

A friend who is competing with you may find it difficult to provide support or comfort when you’re down, as it doesn’t serve their competitive agenda.

Final thoughts

Let’s face it: friendships can be a little like a reality show—the drama is there, but you’re not always sure if you signed up for it.

If any of these signs resonate, it’s time to start checking in with yourself and asking, “Is this friendship lifting me up or weighing me down?”

Here’s the thing: a bit of competition isn’t always bad. It can push us, inspire us, even help us grow.

But when it’s secretive and unspoken, it’s more likely to feel like a weight you didn’t ask to carry. I’ve learned that addressing it—whether with an honest conversation or, sometimes, a bit of distance—is better than letting it fester.

After all, life is too short for friends who make you second-guess your shine.

So, keep your eyes open, your boundaries strong, and your heart soft.

Real friends won’t compete for your spotlight—they’ll help you adjust it so you both look amazing. And if they can’t? Well, maybe it’s time to write them out of the next episode.

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