On Being "Lazy"

Sometimes I feel like I’ve perfected the art and science of being lazy– or, as I prefer to call it– “energetically conservative”!

Between fatigue flares since 1983 and Epstein-Barr and now Covid since 2022 (Omnicron, thanks a lot), I’ve had to learn to get by with less energy. And I mean, I have adapted.

I’ve adapted psychologically, in that I’ve had to learn to disregard the hyper-workaholic American default culture. I can’t base my self-esteem in how much I do, though I really suck the juice out of every tiny accomplishment. Once upon a time, I had dreams of going to college, getting a Ph.D. in psychology, and writing books on mental health (especially for abductees). That dream died when I realized I could barely manage to go to school regularly (and really never during the cold and flu season).

Further, I’ve learned that mind can only overcome matter so far, and then there’s a hard limit. Indeed there are gigantic consequences for pushing it, let alone through the point of pain! So I have to listen to my body very carefully. I learned to hear the wee peep of “enough” from my body and to respect those signals, no matter what any other supposedly “proven” truisms insisted.

Socially, I’ve had to learn to use my “no” and communicate very clearly what my limitations are, because I “don’t look sick” most of the time and if I don’t advocate for myself, almost no one else will. I also try to avoid revolving my life around my illness because nothing is as boring and as depressing as talking about what’s wrong with me (or anyone else for that matter.)

Physically, the migraines and flares trained my stomach to eat one semi-big meal a day rather than three or more meals a day. The energy it takes to get up, hunt food, prep, and then eat and yes– even digest!– is too much to do more than once a day far too often for me. Besides, I’m usually only hungry once a day. I’ve learned that eating when not hungry leads to weight gain for me, no matter what all the experts say. I also have less digestion issues, which have plagued me since childhood.

Even my freaking bladder is trained! I have maybe the largest bladder capacity of any woman I know. I can be fully hydrated (this has been tested medically) and yet only pee (and pee and pee…) twice a day. It’s a real time saver! There is no harm nor damage to my bladder or kidneys. There is no pain or discomfort involved here. I was born with a large bladder that just got really well trained over many years of prolonged bed-rest due to extreme exhaustion. When I have almost zero help on my fatigue days, I must wait a little or have an accident. (I mean, my husband and now my roomies do my chores on those days, but I don’t have someone helping me to the restroom on flare or migraine days.) In fact, needing to pee more than twice a day means something is wrong with my health– it’s actually a sign of a pending migraine.

I suppose this is a weird topic for a personal essay… but it hit me today after eating and feeling very tired afterwards that I conserve energy in some odd ways to get by these days. It’s created a strange sort of adaptation that lends itself towards independence. I mean, would it be better to have help? Maybe. But I’m sort of proud that I can do as much as I do on my own! I cherish my privacy and my personal time. I hate my illness, but I am grateful not to be nose-to-the-grindstone like most people. I would rather have less space and more work in my life, but– ! It could always be worse. Time and space to think, feel, learn, plan… it’s a tiny gift inserted into the larger curse.

So yeah, I’m lazy.

I kind of have to be!