8 phrases you should avoid using if you want your partner to respect and value you

From the Personal Branding Blog

Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. However, the words we use can either build bridges or burn them down.

As Tina Fey, the founder of Love Connection blog and a relationship expert, I’ve seen how certain phrases can erode respect and value in a relationship.

In this article, I’ll share with you 8 phrases you should steer clear of if you want your partner to continue respecting and valuing you.

Using my insights and experiences, I’ll guide you towards healthier communication.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

1) “You always…”

In relationships, absolutes can be absolute trouble.

When we use phrases like “you always” or “you never”, it often leads to conflict and resentment.

These words are usually used to criticize or blame, and they can make your partner feel as though they’re constantly doing something wrong.

Think about it. How would you feel if someone told you that you always mess up or that you never do anything right? Not great, right?

The truth is, nobody always or never does anything. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, good days and bad days.

Instead of using absolutes, try expressing how you feel when certain situations occur. Speak from your experiences.

Honest and open communication is key to maintaining respect and value in a relationship.

It’s not about blaming, but about understanding and growth.

Avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’ is a good place to start.

2) “Whatever”

This is one I’ve personally struggled with. “Whatever”. A single word dismissed casually in the heat of the moment, but it can have a profound impact on your relationship.

“Whatever” can be a relationship killer. It’s dismissive and communicates to your partner that you don’t care about their feelings or opinions.

It’s the equivalent of shutting a door in their face.

Communication is a two-way street, and using “whatever” is like putting up a roadblock.

The great Albert Einstein once said, “I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”

That’s a good rule to follow in relationships too.

Treat your partner with the same respect and attentiveness you would anyone else.

Avoid using dismissive phrases like “whatever”, because every word matters when building a healthy relationship.

3) “You’re overreacting”

Here’s another phrase that can do more harm than good: “You’re overreacting.”

I’ve seen it countless times in my work as a relationship expert, and I’ve even experienced it in my own relationships.

When you tell someone they’re overreacting, you’re essentially invalidating their feelings. It can make your partner feel small, dismissed, and unheard.

In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I discuss the importance of empathy and validation in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Instead of telling your partner they’re overreacting, try to understand why they feel the way they do.

Ask open-ended questions. Let them know that their feelings matter to you.

It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about understanding and supporting each other.

4) “I love you, but…”

This one might surprise you. “I love you, but…” seems harmless enough, right? Unfortunately, the word “but” can turn this loving phrase into a hurtful one.

When we say “I love you, but…”, we’re often about to follow it with some form of criticism or request for change.

It can make your partner feel as though your love is conditional, dependent on them meeting certain expectations or standards.

The truth is, love should be unconditional. It’s okay to have concerns or issues in a relationship, but they shouldn’t be tied to your expression of love.

Instead, separate your feelings of love from your criticisms or requests.

Express your love wholeheartedly and address issues separately. This can help maintain the respect and value in your relationship.

5) “It’s fine”

This is a phrase I’ve caught myself using more times than I can count: “It’s fine”.

On the surface, it seems like a simple way to brush off a minor disagreement or problem.

But in reality, “it’s fine” often means “I’m upset, but I don’t want to talk about it”.

It’s a phrase that hides our true feelings and prevents open and honest communication.

It creates a barrier between you and your partner, leaving them guessing and possibly making the issue worse.

If something is bothering you, it’s important to express it clearly and honestly instead of hiding behind “it’s fine”.

Open communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Your partner can’t read your mind, so don’t expect them to. Speak up and let your feelings be known.

6) “If you loved me, you would…”

This phrase can be a real gut punch: “If you loved me, you would…”

It’s a raw manipulation method that brings guilt into play.

It equates love with specific actions or behaviors and can make your partner feel pressured or manipulated into doing something they’re not comfortable with.

True love is about respect and understanding, not coercion or manipulation.

It’s about accepting your partner for who they are, not trying to change them to meet your expectations.

If there’s something you need or want from your partner, express it directly and honestly without using love as a bargaining chip.

Love is not a transaction. It’s a gift freely given and received.

7) You’re just like your mother/father

This phrase has slipped out in some of my own heated moments, and I can vouch for its destructiveness: “You’re just like your mother/father.”

Drawing parallels between your partner and their parents – especially in a negative context – can be deeply hurtful.

It reduces your partner’s individuality and can bring up painful familial issues.

As the brilliant Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said…but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Instead of comparing your partner to others, focus on them as an individual.

Acknowledge their unique traits and celebrate their individuality. This helps foster respect and value in a relationship.

8) “I hate you”

This one’s tough to write, and even tougher to hear: “I hate you.”

This phrase, often uttered in the heat of an argument, can be deeply damaging. It’s raw, it’s cruel, and it’s almost impossible to forget once said.

No matter how angry or upset you are, remember that words spoken in anger can leave scars that last a lifetime. Don’t let your emotions control your words.

Instead, take a deep breath. Walk away if you need to. Come back when you’re calm and express your feelings without resorting to hateful words.

Respect and value are built on love and understanding, not hate and anger.

Conclusion

Words have power. They can build bridges or create chasms in our relationships.

By avoiding these phrases, you can foster more respect and value in your relationship.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect. We all slip up sometimes.

The key is to recognize when we’ve used harmful phrases, apologize sincerely, and strive to communicate more effectively in the future.

For more insights on building healthier communication in relationships, check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

Here’s to healthier, happier relationships!

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